Turning inner space into outer space

November 21, 2015

Let's talk about exes and sex

Neil Sedaka, Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Neil Sedaka's single, Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Back in 1962, Neil Sedaka sang Breaking Up Is Hard To Do. Too bad they didn’t have apps back then because these days technology makes breaking up easy — even fun — to do.

For example, our friend Facebook, now used by three-quarters of the online population, has a new feature that hides your ex from your newsfeed without blocking or unfriending them.

When you update your relationship status after a breakup, all you have to do is select a couple of options and you no longer have to see their posts. Their picture won’t show up either if their name is tagged in a photo.

No fuss, no muss.

But what about the actual breakup. Simply changing your Facebook status unfortunately isn’t quite enough. You somehow have to directly communicate with the person you want to break up with. But who wants to deal with anger, hurt feelings and the rest of it?

Luckily, there is a new service that will do this for you, and the cost is a bargain.

For $10, The Breakup Shop will send your soon-to-be-ex a standard text. For $20, they’ll send an email, and for $30 they’ll personalize the message.

Here’s a sample message:

Hi Gordon

Hope you’ve been having a great day so far.

We regret to inform you that your girlfriend Lindsay is breaking up with you. Although you’ve had a good run and shared some great memories along the way, it’s time to move on.

While you’re likely quite shocked and understandably saddened by this news, we just know that you’ll be back on your feet in no time.

Here are some helpful links to get you started:

Self Growth – How to Get Past a Devastating Breakup
Ben & Jerry’s online store
The Breakup Shop – Gifts for Exes

We offer you our deepest sympathies, and wish you all the best in the future.

I especially like the attempt at up-selling with an offer of gifts from their website.

But really, your ex shouldn’t have trouble moving on, because we have apps like Tinder that match you with new partners. The emphasis on casual sex might seem shallow, but CEO Sean Rad has plans to raise the bar.

“I need an intellectual challenge,” he said in an interview.

He went on to mistakenly refer to intellectual attraction as “sodomy,” so I’m not really sure how much actual brain power will be involved. Did he mean “synergy?” I’m not sure, but give them time and they’ll work it out.

Making it even easier to move on and arrange a date is a proposal by Durex.

According the condom maker, young people find it easier to communicate with emojis in their text messages, especially when it comes to matters of intimacy. Oxford Dictionaries’ selection of the emoji as word of the year seems to back that up.

Just in time for World AIDS Day on Dec. 1, Durex is pushing to have a new emoji created for the condom. Young people all over the world will thank them.

So there you have it — progress in our modern times. Breaking up, and hooking up, are easer than ever.